Beginners
The beginning
Everyone discovered it in a
different way, but one thing is true for all of us:
We've all started sometime and we were all newbees at one point of our voyage.
Maybe you've had these feelings for years but you didn't have a name for it.
Perhaps you knew exactly what you wanted but were too afraid or ashamed and you
thought you were abnormal, weird or a freak.
Could be you never knew you had it in you, until you came across some
BDSM-oriented material.
Even now you could be very unsure whether BDSM is something you like.
You could, on the other hand, be an experienced Dom or sub who just dropped by
to check out this site.
Than again, Many even don't know they're into BDSM (but we know they are)
One thing I know for sure: You
are one of the last category mentioned above.
You are here because you feel something for BDSM, or at least think you do.
Okay, you've got
these feelings, this interest or this undefined longing. Now what???
This question has been asked many
times and there is no simple answer.
What you are going to do with BDSM and how depends on yourself, your
surrounding, your partner, physical condition and many more personal factors.
There's no good way to advise you other than to do only the things that feel
good to you. If you're comfortable with it, it's a good thing.
If you're not comfortable with it, don't do it but also don't forget about it.
Think about it, why did it make you uncomfortable? Is it just not your thing or
is it your upbringing and environment that tells you it's a bad thing? Then
you'll have to decide why you came here in the first place.
Did you come here to learn about who you are ? or what others want you to be?
In the first case read on, in the
second case take some time to think it over.
We will try to answer a number of
questions many people have when they first start to learn about BDSM and help
some find their way in the exciting world of Dominance and submission.
If there's a question we don't
answer here, you can mail and we try to
answer it for you either on this page or by mail.
FAQ's
What Does BDSM stand for?
BDSM
is a mix of 3 abbreviations, being BD, DS and SM.
Meaning: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.
These are the 3 separate parts of BDSM, but because there's such a big overlay,
we generally speak of BDSM
This means that you will find all
kinds of people who all in their own way share and express their BDSM feelings.
Threat anyone with due respect, just as you would like to be respected for your
interpretation of your feelings. Not anyone's style has to appeal to you
and some can go way further than you would consider 'normal' but remember that
this applies to you to. (if you don't believe me, go and ask your neighbors
about you)
I think I am submissive but
the thought of needles, whips and canes scare the *** out of me.
It's a common misunderstanding
that a submissive has to be able to receive 200 whippings while being nailed to
a cross upside down. There are people who appreciate a submissives value by the
amount of pain and torture it can endure, but it's not the general way to
appreciate the submissive.
Submission can be expressed in
many ways from mild to extreme and there's no right or wrong way.
But who's the best submissive?
This seems to be different for anyone, but in fact it not true because the most
beautiful gift a submissive can give to it's Dominant is his/her submission and
trust.
The trust is there based on agreements you've made concerning mental and
physical limits, specific needs and the boundaries in which both are prepared to
play. The trust is there if you know the Dominant will never cross the
boundaries.
Trust is something one needs to earn, so if your Dominant also is new to this,
help him/her as much as he/she helps you. The only way you can do this is by
being totally honest. Don't lie because you don't want to hurt some ones
feelings. If a Dominant makes a mistake and you don't tell him/her, he/she will
probably do it again and again while hurting or damaging you and your trust.
So if you can make a Dominant
feel how you trust him/Her blindly and you are unconditionally submissive to
Him/her, while being smart enough to help Him/Her understand your needs, do's
and don'ts, you are a good sub, no a great sub!
I found out I've got BDSM
feelings, but I have a partner. What do I do now?
This is one of the more difficult
things a starting BDSM-er could encounter.
I've been asked that question
many times before and there's just no good answer for it.
In fact there's only 1 good advise to give here, even if it's not always the
easiest thing to do.
First of all find out how serious
you are about BDSM and make sure it's not a spur of the moment thing.
Once you're sure BDSM is really your thing, then there's only one solution:
Start the discussion with your partner.
Hard? Yes !!
But on the long run it's always
better than hiding it or doing it behind some ones back.
It's not possible to advise
anyone how to do this. Everyone is different and only you know your partner good
enough to pick the right way.
What we can do is offer a couple of ways to start the discussion. You'll have to
decide if and which one you'll use.
Once the conversation started you need to offer some good information. (show
him/her some websites .. like this one. Tip: do not show them the hardcore
sites, because the pictures will do more harm then good. find the info sites or
the soft erotic ones to show.)
Remember your partner will feel he/she has met someone they didn't know yet and
you need to make a good first impression again.
As you know there's only one chance to make a first impression so think it over
well before you dive into it.
The how to tell possibilities.
1. If you are sure your partner
will not freak out when BDSM is mentioned, you can have yourself being caught by
leaving something BDSM-orientated laying around. Don't go straight for the
buttplugs or bullwhips, but something more innocent like a SM book/magazine,
handcuffs. Even a couple of clothespins in an unusual place can do miracles.
If you are a submissive, the getting caught might just be your first real
life BDSM experience.
2. Rent a BDSM orientated movie like
9 1/2 weeks or even Histoire d'O. This might raise some questions and open some
doors to discuss the subject of you liking BDSM.
3. Write a letter in which you
express your deepest feelings, but try to keep it as clean and nice as possible
so you wont be called a pervert after one paragraph. try to emphasize your
longing for submission of Dominance instead of using explicit language or
examples.
4. Borrow/buy a book about BDSM.
Not hardcore but novels or autobiographies.
!! Marquis De Sade is a bad example of BDSM books because the torture in the
books is not with mutual consent.
I do not know any good English titles at this point, but if I do I will add them
here.
5. Try to add a subtle kind of
BDSM into your sexlife, like a blindfold, simple bondage or ice cubes.
For the bondage try to use nice and soft materials like silk (a stocking would
be nice here) instead of leather or metal handcuffs. Soft materials are easier
associated with erotic play. If you are a Beginning Dominant, try to hold your
partner down by holding his/her wrists while having sex. Even try to hold
his/her hands behind his/her back. Most IMPORTANT: when you're done, ask if and
how he/she liked that. (if the answer is positive or negative doesn't really
matter, because you've opened the conversation and you are talking about (soft)
BDSM.
Remember that your partner can have a hard time admitting he/she liked to be
held down so be gentle and understanding about whatever the answer is.
6. Last and maybe the hardest
way: Just sit your partner down and start to explain how you feel and what you
like. and see where it ends.
If you have real BDSM feelings they're hard to repress once they're out and you
will want to do something with them in the end. So perhaps you don't do
something with them and get frustrated because you can't express your real you.
If your partner really doesn't like BDSM he/she might allow you to find that
somewhere else, since you've explained him/her BDSM has nothing to do with sex.
If your partner can't live with that and makes you repress these feelings
without giving you a chance to explain the significance these feelings have for
you, you might need to ask yourself: is this the best relation/partner for me?
This might sound hard, but if you
set your emotions aside for a while and think rationally it makes perfect sense.
But like I said before, it's hard
to advise you about it, all I can do is give you some tips to go with.
How can I find a Dom or sub?
How to meet people with the same interests?
The meeting of people with the
same interests is very important in BDSM
First of all you might want to see you're not the only one and you're not crazy,
and later you'll just make good friends in the scene. Anyway it's nice to sit at
a bar and freely talk about BDSM and even 'do' BDSM without people staring at
you like they've seen a ghost.
There are 2 ways which are
tightly connected to each other.
Real life Or IRC
They are connected because most people on meetings also know each other trough
IRC chatrooms.
IRC
There are many chat rooms
about/for BDSM and they are all good.
Some might be more crowded or more fun than others but that's very personal and
you need to find your own place there. (Some folks like small pubs and others
like the Grand cafe's)
The way to get to know people is
simple. Just try to chat along in the room.
Tell people you are new to BDSM or new to chatting and they will expect less of
you and you are allowed some mistakes.
Don't pretend to be Mister experience because you wont get away with it and once
caught as a faker you'll find how small the BDSM-scene really is. you'll end up
with no place to go.
Another good tip: Once you found
a nice room, keep coming there on a regular basis. (once a week or more) Do not
go to all the rooms you can find but stick to the 1 or 2 where you feel most at
home. That way you get to know the regular crowd and might meet the D/s of your
dreams. At least you'll find your self in a network of people who know you and
who know others.
Most chatrooms have a set of rules, like the way you express yourself and how
nicknames are written, or how to engage a private chat with someone. Learn these
rules and stick with them. (they're basically normal good courtesy.)
Real-life
meetings are most commonly chatroom meetings and private parties.
As newbee it's hard to get in
there unless you're introduced by someone or if you're one of the frequent
visitors of a certain chatroom.
This shows the importance of chatting. It can get you invited to the meetings
and private parties.
There are some public places
where you can go but you have to know where and when.
I don't have a worldwide agenda, but if you are in the Netherlands you might try
the Smashing Sunday in Amsterdam.
This is a monthly party for everyone interested in BDSM.
This might be scary the first
time but it's really not. You could compare it to the bar at your
soccer/football club.
You are all together, talking about anything and it's just possible to talk
about BDSM openly (or 'do' BDSM) because everyone there has that as a mutual
interest. It's the BDSM that brought you together, but it's not illegal to talk
about other interests.
It's about being together with a
mutual interest.
Do not expect
Marquis-de-Sade-like scenes. There might be some play, but not necessarily when
you are there.
Isn't it Dangerous?
No!.
BDSM is not more of a risk than
driving a car of go to work each day.
If there's a risk, you created it or let it happen to you.
There are some rules and tips to
go by to keep it safe.
- Discuss can/cant's Do's and
don'ts BEFORE you start.
Either by a conversation with the partner of by filling in a D/s checklist.
- Report any medical condition or
physical limitation someone might need to take in consideration.
This is not about the obvious things anyone could see (like glasses etc.) but
about the invisible disabilities.
Things like: asthma, Heart problems, hearing problems, contact lenses, phobic
fears (claustrophobia) etc.
Not only for the submissive one, but also the Dominant partner needs to share
disabilities that might cause a hazard.
A Dominant with 1 bad ear should tell this, so the submissive knows a whispered stop word
will not be overheard, so the Dominant continues to play after the submissive
begged for mercy which will end up in the submissive ending the play entirely.
- Prepare an emergency scenario
including the tools you might need.
For example have a knife or scissors ready when you tie somebody up with rope or
leather straps.
Be prepared to cut the rope or the expensive leather cuffs in an emergency.
It might sound overreacted but imagine there's a fire and you can't untie the
submissive because you are panicking.
- Learn
Not just the right BDSM words, but study anything that can be a risk while
playing.
Anyone can place a hook or bracket to a ceiling, but don't just hang up your
submissive without making sure it's possible.
Someone hanging upside down who weighs 50 kilos can triple it's weight when
swinging in a panic. So make sure it's capable to hold 4 people before you try
hanging 1 person.
- Use the right tools for
everything.
This might be a logical thing, but you will not be the first Dominant that will
try to hang a submissive by it's anklecuffs.
There are special cuffs for this action and that's that's not just for show.
- Do not doubt.
Golden rule is: If you have doubts about something, don't do it.
That gut-feeling is nature's way to warn you.
Step back and reconsider, or just forget it and move on to something else and go
back to learning about the thing you were not sure of.
I've seen the D/s Checklist
but i don't understand most of the things, and the other things scare me.
That's why the list is there.
If there's anything on it you are afraid to do, fill in the NO.
Never think about pretending because you don't want to be a crybaby.
Giving false answers on the D/s checklist will absolutely backfire at you.
There's only 1 way to fill out
that form and it's 100% HONESTLY.
If a Dominant reads how you love
knifeplay, He/She might use it while in fact you are scared to death and will
start to panic.
Result: Game over and the trust severely damaged. (if less lucky, more can be
damaged ... like yourself !! )
If you would just have said you
might like it but you're not sure, the Dominant would pay much better attention
to your signals during the play and you might have a very nice experience. (or
not nice, but then you know it for sure and can adjust your checklist to prevent
any harm in the future)
So once again: Don't
pretend to be more experienced or brave than you really are, because it's
dangerous.
I've met someone trough
icq/msn/chat and I would like to visit/meet that person. Is that safe?
Sure it is, if only you take some
things in consideration.
Since we are talking about BDSM
and you meeting someone will be about BDSM, there is something you need to
realize. Some folks (mostly men) like the idea of meeting submissive people
(preferably women) because the think you will to as your told no matter what.
This is not to scare you, but to make you realize that to some people you are
not a person but a prey! So be warned, be careful and be safe.
There are a few things you need
to think of when you want to meet someone in real life for a first time.
1. Are you sure the person is who
he/she says to be.
Check this. Ask if there's anyone who can confirm his/her identity. Anyone (Dom
or sub) who considers this a problem or an insult is unreliable and not even
worth meeting. If someone is sincere he/she will have no problem with you making
sure. in fact he/she might ask you the same question.
It's not paranoia, it's being smart and safe.
2. Try to meet someone for a
drink on neutral public ground to get acquainted. There you can decide whether
to go along and play or to go home.
3. Get a safety net.
Meaning: make sure you have an address to give to someone, so they know where
you are.
Make sure you have a phone appointment with this friend. So he/she will expect a
call from you at a certain time and will take action if that call never comes.
If this friend is someone who doesn't know about your BDSM quest, you can always
put the address and explanation in a closed envelop, only to be opened in an
emergency.
Tell the person you are going to meet that you have that safety net.
Again: If that person is offended, mad or insulted by it, wonder why that is and
then blow the whole thing off because apparently this person is not being
honest about something and there for not worth your trust.
This all might seem overreacted
to you, but I'm giving you the safest way to avoid the worse case scenario.
In how much you will use it, is up to you.
Your
Question here?
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