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What
exactly is BDSM ?
That's
a question we've been asked many times, and what does it mean.
It's
not easy, or even possible, to explain this in a few words. It's too complex and
exists of too many different styles and interpretations.
But while trying I came up with the following statement, which seems to be the
most basic and simplified explanation of BDSM.
BDSM
is the exchange of power within a relationship, on a voluntarily base, during a
pre-discussed timeframe, within given boundaries.
This
sounds almost too simple, but you'll find it's all just a little more
complicated than it seems to be.
First
of all, what does BDSM stand for?
BDSM is a mix of 3 abbreviations, being BD, DS and SM.
Meaning: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.
These are the 3 separate parts of BDSM, but because there's such a big overlay,
we generally speak of BDSM
Normally
people will speak of SM (or S&M), but mostly they'll mean BDSM and the SM
would be a small part of the bigger whole.
This indicates that the vanilla (vanilla is the name for the
"Not-BDSM-Minded" people) world has a totally wrong idea of BDSM.
I call this the "SBS-Sex syndrome" (one of the Dutch commercial
networks which sometimes broadcasts so-called BDSM items)
People judge anything, based on their knowledge on the specific item.
-
I do the same thing when it's about soccer. I don't like it and I don't
understand the game.
In fact I don't like it because I don't understand it, and you can't explain it
to me because I don't like it and I don't care.
The
same thing happens to most people when it's about BDSM.
They've seen the kinky image on the commercial networks and base their judgments
about you on that knowledge.
And since their mind is made up, they don't want to learn more, cause it's just
not their cup of thee.
Like all judgments and prejudice, there's a big gap between 'they who know' and
'they who believe they know'.
The
only way DeKerker.nl can contribute to this is sharing our common knowledge and
avoid using any exiting, kinky, horny stories and pictures.
Our
Main goal is: Share Information and not
Sensation
Now
we've learned the abbreviations and their meaning, we will explain the statement
itself.
BDSM
is the exchange of power within a relationship, on a voluntarily base, during a
pre-discussed timeframe, within given boundaries.
BDSM
is the exchange of power within a relationship
The
exchange of power simply means that two people decide who'll take the Dominant
role and who'll get the submissive role. Usually this is already decided because
people will find a partner that wants to take the opposite role, so it's not an
issue.
Normally a relationship like that will have an Always-Dominant and a
Always-submissive partner. But sometimes it so happens that people like both
sides and like to be Dominant and submissive at different times and they'll
agree who is what and when. (someone who's Dominant and submissive is called a
switch)
Be
Aware that relationship NOT necessarily means married or living together. It
only means people having a BDSM-relationship in a set or unset timeframe.
This
could mean; John being happily married to Sarah and having a good sexlife,
yet something's missing and Sarah can't give him that little bit extra he needs.
That's because John wants to express his Dominant side, but Sarah is not into
BDSM.
If John could explain to Sarah that BDSM has nothing to do with sex (I know
it's a shock but its true.) and she would be okay with the fact that he needs it
and gets it somewhere else, John in fact would have 2 relationships. His BDSM
and his vanilla relationship.
To
make this clear for once and for all:
BDSM and sex are not the same and can exist without each other.
They make a great mix, but you don't need to have sex in order to have good BDSM
(and in return, you don't need BDSM to have good sex)
BDSM IS exiting, erotic, kinky etc. but that's NOT sex.
On
with the statement
BDSM
is the exchange of power within a relationship, on
a voluntarily base
This
voluntarily is one of, if not, the most important item in this statement.
The fact of someone being volunteer makes all the difference between BDSM and
abuse.
As soon as the submissive consciously chose it's role within that specific
relationship, he/she volunteered to hand over all power to his/her Dominant.
This Dominant now can do anything within the boundaries they both
pre-defined.
As long as this rule applies you can speak of BDSM.
Lack of boundaries can cause BDSM to transfer to abuse.
If the Dominant has different definitions and ideas on BDSM as the submissive
and no boundaries are defined, you can imagine the Dom just playing his part and
actually believing it's BDSM while the submissive can feel truly abused.
These rules are here for a reason so use them and define the boundaries as
exact as possible.
From
here it's only a small leap to the next part of the statement: The
pre-defined boundaries.
The
Boundaries of a BDSM relationship are a combination of several factors.
First of all there are hard and soft boundaries and second there are the
boundaries of the submissive AND of the Dominant (Yes, a Dominant also has
boundaries)
The Difference between a hard and a soft boundary is: a Hard boundary is a line
you'll never ever want to step over and every attempt of the other party will
result in a "Stop!" A soft boundary is a line which you're afraid to
cross (on your own), but led by your partner (or encouraged by) you CAN cross
that line and expand your playground.
Try
to imagine it as an area with a big wall around it and a smaller area within
surrounded by a hedge. You can trim the hedge, step over it, lean into it to
expand your playground, but beyond it you'll find a stone wall which definitely
tells you to stop there.
Once
you realize this, you'll find that the exchange of power is not really as black
and white as it sounds.
The Dominant might have the power and control, but only within the boundaries he
agreed to with his submissive partner.
You could say they've created a playground in which the Dominant is allowed to
move freely.
(Dear Dominants, I'm sorry if I make you sound like toddlers in a sandbox, but
I'm just making it clear to the "not as wise as You kinda people"
*grin*)
With
the boundaries also come the Stop words. (sorry to all die-hard's that don't
need them but it's a package deal)
These are the signals you can use to tell your partner he's about to step over a
line you can't/wont cross.
The most common words for this are "Mercy" and "Stop"
Mercy would mean: Please slow it down a little , I'm stretching a boundary here
(or closing in to one) and I'm scared (or just not up to it now)
This can be a pre-agreed limit to where you are prepared to go, or just a pain
limit and you cant take much more right now.
Stop is as simple as it sounds. Stop means Stop. Game over. Do not pass start
and go directly to prison.
This word will end the session and most likely there will be no continuance that
day. Someone ran into the stone wall and has hit his/her head hard.
If
a submissive does not have the ability of speech (as in gagged) you can give
alternative signals. This might be a snapping finger, or just let the submissive
hold something which he/she can drop to ask permission to speak freely.
By
now you realize the significance of these agreements within the BDSM
relationship and how they protect BOTH partners.
Both because: 1. The Dominant gets the Mercy-sign and slows down so no harm is
done. 2. The Dominant can use the STOP Him/Herself.
This because a submissive could not be capable (or willing) to ask for mercy
while the Dominant is heading for the wall (His/Hers or the submissives)
Basically: a submissive is a pain in the a** because they always want more when
you least expect it. :))
Remaining
is yet one more part of the statement: The pre-discussed
timeframe
In
fact this should be another agreement/boundary but because it makes such a big
difference in the type of BDSM relationship, I will have to deal with this separately.
I
am in a 24/7 BDSM relationship with my partner. This means we do not have a set
timeframe in which we "do" BDSM but we are in a continues Dom/sub
relationship. This is a choice we made and it's possible because we live
together as a couple.
More
common would be partners using set timeframes for BDSM.
They "do" BDSM on weekends or at night when the children are asleep.
Other couples only get together in the weekends and have a 24/2 (fulltime D/s
during the weekend)
The variations are in such great numbers it's impossible to name them all. It's
like sex. One does it daily, another does it weekly etc.
Like
I said, I'm in a 24/7 BDSM relationship which means we are Dom/sub 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week.
This might sound really heavy, but it's not as rigid as it sounds.
We are not nonstop in chains etc, but we're leading a normal life and common
decisions are made together like all couples.
Yet, BDSM is always there, right below the surface, waiting to happen. (which
can be anywhere anytime)
In the car, supermarket, forest, beach or even while visiting friends or
parents. As soon as one of us feels like it the game is on.
Usually this would be very quietly and no one notices anything. The sub can
tease and try and the Dom respond but the real payoff is when we are alone. Than
there is someone to answer to.
So we "do" BDSM all the time only no one will notice (unless they are
into it themselves or know about us) and we will not confront people with it or
shock them. We do it by choice but we can't choose for others.
All
above is the explanation of the statement:
BDSM
is the exchange of power within a relationship, on a voluntarily base, during a
pre-discussed timeframe, within given boundaries.
Now
if I got trough to you I've just explained that despite the exchange of power,
there is a huge part of equality within a BDSM relationship and that this
equality is given up by the submissive side, voluntarily, temporarily IF the
Dominant side stays within the boundaries of its playground.
SO,
as strange as it might sound to a not BDSM minded person:
"unequal
equals equal"
"Dominant
equals submissive"
SO
smaller than = bigger as
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